Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
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The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Guys, I found it.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag