Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
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I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
But wait…
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
1. Go to party
2. Eat all cheese at party
3. Leave party
being a writer on Twitter:
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay