Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops

*Aquarium

GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus

ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok

If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.

And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.

Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.

If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.

I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.

OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.

I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.

Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?

Me: She’s my current wife.

Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.

Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.

After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.

ME: Who’s a good boy?

MY DOG: What have you heard?

I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown

Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage

Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.

My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?

Me : Because a good employee is hard to find

Doc: I have bad news about your test results

Me: oh man did I fail

Doc: not that kind of test

Me: so I passed?

Doc: no but you will in a week

I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.

SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical

ME: Oh no

SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut

If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.

Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?

My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.

who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door

Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.

Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?

I feel that way about far too many people.

Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.

I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.

I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.