Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.

Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work

Wife: you need to prepare the turkey

Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

British people be like I’m Bri ish

😭😭😭

Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg

Horse: I want to go home

There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.

“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN

What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?

kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween

dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work

kid: i didn’t-

dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch

Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of

I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.

What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:

*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~

There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like

“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.

wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t

The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun

Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever

My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.

In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.

my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together

gasoline
noun

: mouthwash for dragons

gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.

Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.

Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America

Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.

Date: Why are you so nervous?

Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before

him, on one knee: will you marry me

her: OMG

onlookers: say yes! say yes!!

me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far

I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations

Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.