Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby

imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now

If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??

I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.

I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.

I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.

if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall

To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.

If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.

[at the hotel california]

me: i’d like to check out

desk clerk: alright, you’re all set

me: great, bye

desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave

me: then why did you let me check out

desk clerk: *shrugs*

Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.

Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30

Driving class: 10 and 2

Real life: 7 and french fries

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food

Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.

As a doctor, I can confirm

It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money

Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*

SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP

Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.

Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”

Me: “Say no more”

[Monday]

Boss: “Where’s my report?”

Me: “Shhh”

Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends

The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.

ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me

No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.

Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…

I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone

My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.

Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?

Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?

I put my pants on like everyone else.

with hope they still fit.

Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?

My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.