It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
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You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
fair
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.