Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
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COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.