Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
You Might Also Like
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both