Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.

Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy

Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys

“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”

I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.

Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.

Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece

?¿

Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.

“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate

You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled

{at the dentist}

Hygienist: Let’s just have a look

Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.

Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.

I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.

*DOG Talks

Dog (wearing headset):

So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.

My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.

Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.

Church is boring.

me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?

waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way

kids: YAAAAY!!!

me: thanks, bro

My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.

95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.

TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.

Lmaoo 😂

Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.

This is top tier marketing 😂🤣

[Fortnite with 9]

9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?

Me: Sure, why?

9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.

Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.

Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.

I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy

Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.

girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music

I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.