had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes
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“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower