had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes
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Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Velcrow
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.