Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.

COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”

These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.

my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…

Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”

Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”

my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees

Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.

My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you

Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.

If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.

– dead people

I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.

I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.

I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.

*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?

*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*

I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —

Murderer:

Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.

Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements

Florist: we don’t

“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”

“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

[In meeting, puts cap on pen]

Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.

[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat

Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!

Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!

Donkey Kong sommelier

The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief

-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!

Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.

I’m saving myself for marriage.

Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.

wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.

Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.

I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.

Me: I got a new car!

Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?

Me: It’s red.