Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.

Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.

If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.

Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection

A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.

Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted

Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then

Added some new forms of payment to this store…

“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.

Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive

Please be on notice:

From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.

To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call

–companies

[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that

Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?

Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger

Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche

Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…

John Mayer first drafts.

“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”

~Management

I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️

I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”

Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty

I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.

wife: he uses food as a crutch

marriage counselor: is this true

me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe

Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”

Me: I’ll be there in five minutes

Pharmacist: It should be ready

Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*

Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes

Me: I KNEW IT

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*

me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant

friend: hi dave

dave: brilliant

ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?

DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle

When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.