Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.

If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.

Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.

“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads

That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.

8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up

The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”

Saturday

Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?

You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.

I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.

If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you

I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.

It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy

Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later

Pollen: lol, ok

ㅤ

Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!

ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.

I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.

My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.

60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.

Grocery store

Me: reach something for me?

Tall guy: sure thing!

Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.

When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.

him: does this pillow feel lumpy

me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me

[First target practice]

Son: I missed

Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.

My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?

My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.

That ends five minutes ago.

I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.

And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.

[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy

Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.