Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
You Might Also Like
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”
seems like a niche market
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
me when the shower won’t work: is this you craig or do I have to call a plumber?
the guy who haunts my house that I have a good relationship with: not me dawg
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.