Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
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I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.