Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
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my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Who wants to be my Valentine?
rest in peas
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
