Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

some Old Testament wisdom

Basically, any European coat of arms:

What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.

Her: Do you like this outfit?

Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?

Her: Changing.

Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!

Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.

I’m aging like a fine banana

[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan

To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.

Them: You seem nice.

Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.

[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding

This is the dumbest apocalypse ever

Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do

GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no

Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg

Hitman: This is a photo of you

Me: My wife wants me to try zumba

hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do

Caught my son playing operation by himself and every time it would buzz he would say “now tell me where Batman is”

He’s going to be just fine

YOUTH 1: lol

YOUTH 2: wtf

YOUTH 1: lmao

YOUTH 2: ikr

ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…

genie: please no
millipede: more legs

Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.

I thrive in a waiting room. u need me to sit in a chair and look at my phone? No worries love i do this at home

Receives a compliment

Me: no sorry we don’t do that here

I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.

15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.

Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.

My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.

To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.

I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.

People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.

Me: I feel good

My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”

Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave

Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down

the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake

DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir