Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tip for drowning your enemies:

Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.

Me to my children: I would kill and die for you

Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!

#labordayweekend

If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.

there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them

During a calendar lesson today in first grade…

Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?

6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.

Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.

[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse

She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok

*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*

He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe

Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”

Actually I just wanna check the court websites

If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷‍♀️

Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.

My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.

Me too, I replied.

Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget

Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated

I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too

God: you’re a coyote.

Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?

God: Heavenly Way.

Coyote: what about your first pets name?

God: Sprinkles : )

Coyote: awww last four of your social?

God: 0001, why?

Coyote: no reason.

[later]

Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.

Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.

Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.

When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.

Who said parenting can’t be fun?

FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!

Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.

I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?

I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song

My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.

I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀

ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you

LION: I just have one of those familiar faces

ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with

Never judge a book by its cover…

Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.

The Others (2001)