Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.

Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.

-You’re welcome

They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.

*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?

ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.

It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230

10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.

I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over

When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.

Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.

Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?

Me: *jumps out the window*

Target employee: Describe your lost item

Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside

Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf

When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”

I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.

Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5

Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126

I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment

Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership

My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”

Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up

CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint

If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.

#Caturday

*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.

Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?

pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto

Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.

This is bullshit!

Doctor: *eyes wide*

Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time

beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory

I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.