had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
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When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins
Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it