had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
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Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Happy Taco Tuesday
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”