Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finally!

Chairs are pretty great.

You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.

The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.

Grass: [grows]

Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]

[job interview]

“Tell me a weakness.”

I never finish what I start.

“Care to elaborate?”

*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.

Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.

No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother

My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.

Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.

Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader

Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*

Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE

How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?

Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator

Me: *puts book down*

my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: i take things literally

professor x: that’s not a superpower

me:

professor x: where’s my pen

What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?

A) Be Seedy

If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it

Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!

Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy

I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again

Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.

Millennial: blank stare

If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.

*goes back in time

*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know

receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days

I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.

Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.

[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No

People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.

Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower

Guy: But-

Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave

Guy: *Drives away*

Woverine: Oh no you didnt!

I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong