Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
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Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Alexa: *deep breath*
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”