Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤

coronavirus: i got this

[later]

virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?

coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel

Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:

I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.

ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?

Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of

Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.

When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.

wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza

kansas: no we said PEACE when-

wayward son: you’re screwing with me right

Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off

“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.

Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war

replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground

I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100

When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus

Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.

And now we wait.

My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE

– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.

So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.

I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?

Me: *revving chainsaw*

Therapist: No.

When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.

you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker

Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too

Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.

Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.

People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏

#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy

If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork

When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.

Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.