Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bad joke of the day:

Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.

A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.

Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”

Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.

dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor

while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application

To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.

VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »

Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.

I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.

Guess we’re both living the dream.

me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth

*immediately takes 2nd bite*

*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!

I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.

My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.

My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.

“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”

Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.

*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it

*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*

Ooo! The morning weather girl…

Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.

the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face

*holding 7 steak knives*

DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

By age 30 you should have:

$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start

“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.

Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting

You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?