Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
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Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.