Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
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Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
When my son was little he asked me where poo came from. So I went thru this awkwardly disgusting story explaining the process.
He looked up at me confused with a quivering lip and said….. and Tigger?
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Stick it to the man
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Not my job 😂
