Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
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The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
I miss seein tweets like “last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day, Guantanamo Bay” who did that one
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
woke up on the wrong side of the jed today
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.