Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
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hand it over!
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A billiard table.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub