Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
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Muppet Screams
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend
Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
Good morning.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower
Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
