Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:

“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”

“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”

“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”

This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.

at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it

“When god closes a door, he opens a window”

Murder Hornets: Awesome!

INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.

It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.

Pros & cons of being a skeleton:

Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..

Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone

Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.

Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?

Me: *winks*

-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.

I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.

Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?

Superman: Um obviously.

Batman: Think about that for a second.

i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved

I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.

a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.

ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you

LION: I just have one of those familiar faces

ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with

When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.

(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”

“thats $2,380”

(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”

[bank holdup]

Bank teller: interesting choice in masks

Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores

I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.

me: [picking my nose]

surgeon: great choice

date: I wrote a book on lions

me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?

I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.

If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.

We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup

Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love

someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.

Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.