had to make it
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Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room