Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
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I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”