Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.

guys are so hard to buy for

like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.

interviewer: how’s your handwriting?

me: oh not bad

interviewer: what about the other letters?

*Job Interview

Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”

(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)

Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*

[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No

killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple

[explaining fingernails to an alien]

ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.

ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.

[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”

on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house

I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.

*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*

After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”

And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile

Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned

I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.

When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.

Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.

Not today.. 😂

Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.

Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.

One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.

Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.

Fantasy? Doctor Strange.

Sleep aid? Eternals.

There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.

Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”

I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.

COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.

The symmetry is uncanny.

PARKOUR

Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.

I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.

I basically called this earlier today