Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
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Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
buys donuts instead
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave