Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
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It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
I got bills
They’re multiplying