Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves

I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.

imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog

Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.

*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*

Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]

Neo:

Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which

*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?

And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?

Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”

Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*

‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.

there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body

me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both

me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet

Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night

Be specific when saying “BYOB”:

[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*

Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.

Me: *curling my hair*

Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.

[in HR]

We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”

*Job Position: Astrologer*

Interviewer: Tell me about myself

“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”

Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW

Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”

I can’t believe I used to talk to people.

I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available

Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.

All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.

Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.