Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
You Might Also Like
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
perfect
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
need him
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines