Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
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ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
My mother had eight kids. She didn’t have time to cut our ham sandwiches in quarters. We just went to school with a bag of wheat and a live pig and figured it out.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”