Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.
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My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear