Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.
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If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
O Wise One….
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Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
no one ever comes back
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“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.