Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol
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My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
necessity is the mother of invention
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
twitter is a journey
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
“I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ― Angus Young, AC/DC
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.