Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol
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Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
wtf is an acronym
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief