Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese

me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht

salesman: cap size?

me: i hope not

No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.

Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.

The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers

News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.

Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!

Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam

I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.

I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT

I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.

they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume

I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this

[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”

it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things

[sound of can opening]

wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?

me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday

wife: but we’re still at church

Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that

Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.

Girlfriend: Are you crying?

Me: It’s a wedding episode…

Gf: But you don’t even like this show

Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭

[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough

When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.

I know this now.

I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.

I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.

*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.

Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.

Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing

Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.

*Buys something from Amazon

*Tracks package from Amazon

*Gets delivery from Amazon

Me)I wonder what this is