Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.
Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.
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Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
That’s incredible! 👌
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist