had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Foolishly set my YouTube account up on the main house TV. Now she knows what I’m watching. Not a problem, but she also saw my own vids about restoring a land rover and how much its costing. Now I’m in trouble.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
