Had to try this trend 😊
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Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
[watching Disney movie]
Daughter: this movie is dumb.
Me: why?
Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.
Me: yeah lol.
Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.
Me: smart-wait what?
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
My workout schedule:
1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.