Had to try this trend 😊
You Might Also Like
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.