Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No

Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.

4-year-old: Dad?

Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.

4:

Me:

4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?

Now I’m awake.

*goes to bathroom

*takes out phone

*opens Twitter

*finishes

*pulls pants up

*flushes

*forgets to poop

I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.

Just to repeat: in a lift.

i will avenge u mr van gogh

i wish i could marry a nap

i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣

just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic

Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.

9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.

Well played, sir.

Good Cop: Book ’em.

Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.

boss: i never got ur email

me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now

Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)

“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.

No, it’s not what you think.

I just watched Hook.

36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.

Me: do that thing I like

Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.

Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.

no

“Next time can you make something I like?”

*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch

me: you look thinner

friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh

me: meat

friend: what

me: what

Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.

I paid for for the sled.

The kids weren’t doing it right.

And it was my turn.

i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.

If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die

New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.

Me: *folding a fitted sheet*

Ghost: Ouch.

What the dentist sees

ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards

JUDGE: no can do

Happy Halloween 🎃

MOM: finish your dinner

SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full

MOM: hi full, I’m mom

DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*