Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
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If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
A REAL smart phone would know when to shut up.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?