Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
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My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
spicy snake
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Autocorrect is my menesis
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in