Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
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Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.