Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
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you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
That’s commitment
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
you will never know the true number of layers
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
*crossing the River Styx*
Me: Shouldn’t we be wearing some kind of flotation device?
Ferryman: You’re already dead, so, no. And this time of year the river is gravy.
Me:*jumps in with mouth open*
Ferryman: Americans. They always fall for that
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.