Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
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“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”