@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
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That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.