Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is the best one I’ve seen

To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.

I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.

Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?

Parenthood. It’s for you

1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.

MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch

MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying

I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people

Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:

“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”

[dating profile]

Body sculpted by Michelangelo.

The turtle. Not the David dude.

Serious enquiries only.

ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.

I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option

Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”

I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.

The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.

me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*

to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath

One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.

Unscramble: pnise

If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.

Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.

wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”

Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.

“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200

I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.

There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.

“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”

where the womens at?

Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.

If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?

7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?

Me: Math

Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.