@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
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Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Oh thanks BBC.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.