Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?

just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.

it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken

Alarms are for people without children or puppies

I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.

My circle of trust is a meatball

I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.

I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?

2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.

2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.

2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.

I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.

The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’

Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.

I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?

I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.

“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.

Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!

Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10

You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong

ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!

AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?

ME: Hammers

I’m quitting drinking for a year.

*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.

Sorry, punctuation is everything.

I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.

Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”

It was thirty seconds til daybreak

I waited patiently

And then it dawned on me

Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.

3yo: I need you to fix this.

Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.

3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.

Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.

Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.

Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do

You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”

Including classics such as:

– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!

And the chart topping hit:

– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!