Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.

A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?

ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood

Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.

Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.

It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry mat

Yes, it’s another four mat tweet.

My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.

British people this week:

“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”

Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive

Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL

Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.

Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.

The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.

I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.

No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.

wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll

dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X

Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.

Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.

if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco

My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.

Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.

If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.

He’s been in and out of rehab for 15 years, has had multiple run-ins with the law, eats human flesh and never sleeps. Women: I’ll fix him.

If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all

(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!

~ Toddler selective hearing

Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”

*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*

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