Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A cabbage a day keeps people away.

Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…

Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog

Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.

*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*

*I’m still not sure*

Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.

you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous

Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school

For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.

“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!

ME: I’d like to return this

CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?

ME: I bought it here

CLERK: At Old Navy?

ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!

CLERK:

ME: Store credit, then?

I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.

A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.

me: return of the mack.

cashier: receipt of the mack?

[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire

Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.

This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest

All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.

My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.

[ opening music ]

scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus

everyone: lol

[ roll credits ]

Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.

One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.

Never share a secret with a clock.

Because Time will tell.

CAT 911: what’s the emergency?

CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall

CAT 911: you mean a window?

CAT: no it’s definitely a bird

Daughter: dada what are you watching?

Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.

Son: what’s it about?

Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.

[later]

Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?

Me: no idea lol.

If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg

My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.

Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails

Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.

Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.

Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.

me and who