@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
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*trying to remember something*
brain: put your hands on hips
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
