Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.

[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]

Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.

Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.

Almost just got hit by an ambulance, which would have been handy I guess.

I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.

Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?

Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.

boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus

me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator

Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.

Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.

If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist

From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.

Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.

If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.

you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.

Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.

Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.

No problem, I’ll get you another one.

Thanks, but make sure she likes football.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.

Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.

the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law

Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial

“We are going to Taiwan”

Juan: No, please don’t!

APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.

NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.

So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.

Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.

*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !

love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime

*herpes

I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!

“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”

ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles