Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.

I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.

If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.

Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?

Xanax.

NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.

A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.

Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.

How often do you think they wash the Muppets?

I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing

Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.

Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.

(one hour later)

Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.

Stomach: Gross

The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late

Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.

Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.

It tastes good and that’s all that matters.

I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.

The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.

when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.

Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*

Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.

a fool and his money are hey new iphone

My lighter has two settings:

1: Spark, spark, spark

2: No left eyebrow

Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter

Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is

Boss: …

Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.

Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.

Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites

[Chocolate Cake 101]

Sober: Use a fork

Stoned: Use your fingers

Drunk: Use your face

u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???

Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?

Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high

72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response