Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.

Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”

A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.

Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.

“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!

*Ordering Chinese Food

Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby

Merry Christmas. The three wise men.

*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?

my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call

I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.

Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?

Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.

when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”

Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.

Student: that’s impossible

Me: I assure you, it’s not

All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!

guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking

chef: updog

guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that

The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.

You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet

My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge

Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat

Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets

My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.

Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof

Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.

Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.

Therapist: Go to your happy place

Me: Ok

Therapist: Good, where are you?

Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins

Therapist: I’m sorry, what?

Me: The beach, I said the beach

When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”

The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.

Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

God: *creates sunset*

Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?

God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.

Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for