Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!

If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking

“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”

Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.

Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue

I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.

Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣

[alternative timeline]

Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school

Hitler: [clenches fists]

Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist

I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”

Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.

Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?

The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.

of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare

[in bed]

Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you

Good morning, Twitter x

Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time

Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.

[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice

“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.

I hate it when people call me judgemental

Especially people wearing shoes like that

“I got this”

-hypochondriac reading Web MD

professor x: whats your superpower?

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

Welcome to the dark side.
We have….

Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.

I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars

Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS

Her: do we have an LED lightbulb

Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.

I’m not proud

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.

My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram

Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.