Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: sugar?

me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?

her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave

me *swallowing pride*

baby lion: holy shit

[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???

giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first

me: ah sorry martin

medium rat demon: come back to bed baby

Top Five Accountant Taboos:

5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex

Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!

*falls down and covers himself with leaves*

Her: We’re in a zoo!!

When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me

acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog

It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.

Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.

my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow

me: yes

my mom today: do u work today

me: yes i already told u

my mom when i’m at work: where are u

HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted

HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?

HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?

I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.

But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying

I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!

My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.

Yup

[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]

My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.

[first day working at the zoo]

Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-

Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys

Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.

Assistant: Algorithm.

R: No you stay here and help me.

We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79

“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”

Timmy: stupid?

“Exactly”

Today in my classroom

Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?

I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.

Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.

Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”

Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Clark Kent: kryptonite

Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?

Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa

Normalize ordering a straw with your soup