Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I don’t see color

Me: They make glasses for that now

i actually laughed 😩

This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.

Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others

Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?

Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.

Me Got it.

Dad: Where’s mom?

Me: Visiting Super Dad.

I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas

My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going

If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.

Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.

This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂

Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”

Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.

Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths

What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.

What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.

MOM: finish your dinner

SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full

MOM: hi full, I’m mom

DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*

Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.

They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.

[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.

Her: Does your dog do any tricks?

Me: I taught him to lie on the bed

Her: That’s not impressive lol

Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter

tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like

I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.

Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.

Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty

Why do seagulls live by the sea?

Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.

During my annual gynecologist visit:

Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.

Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.

Gyno:

Nurse:

Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?

Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio

Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*

If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.

I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”

Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family