HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
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PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Pigeon open mic night.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.