Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
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90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
What
Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…