Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
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I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
You can be having the nicest day and then you have to print something and you know your day is about to fall apart real fast
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..