Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
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I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
