Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
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If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
A comic by Dan Piraro
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.