Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
You Might Also Like
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺
I’m so glad the internet is like this now.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Oh no Moo Deng noo!!
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell