Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
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At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Almost just got hit by an ambulance, which would have been handy I guess.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.